Braggy McBraggerson

I have debated sharing this because I didn't want to come off as too self-congratulatory, but I have decided that enough of you have shown interest and support in our lives that I would post this.

At the beginning of the school year, a writer from Education Week came to observe several classes at our school. They later contacted me to do a teacher profile and sent a photographer to my classroom. The article was printed in Education Week and is also featured on their website, along with the profile and a video of me. I'm trying to get my hands on a paper copy of the article, since it features a really cute picture of one of my students and me. Here are the links!

The article about the Professional Development program, Quality Teachers for English Learners.

The Teacher Profile on me. (The video is towards the bottom. The still shot before it starts is terrible!)

Ode to My Coworkers OR The Second Annual Lanier Homecoming Teacher Dance

Without much question, I have some of the best coworkers ever. Happy Homecoming, Lanier Vikings!

The Best Part of Me

I read a blog post this morning that has really gotten me thinking. The blog, www.donteatus.com, is written by a high school (and junior high) classmate, and he is doing a really great job of chronicling their family's journey, specifically as they address their son's special needs. It's definitely worth a read.

The post talks about the importance of setting a good example for our children, about our obligation to give our children the best model possible for healthy, whole living.

Years ago, I remember a discussion Robin and I had when my life was seriously out of balance. Between work and the two programs I was enrolled in at U.T., I was perpetually exhausted, irritable, and generally short-tempered. I would get home and not have the energy to give Robin even close to the amount of patience, energy, and enthusiasm that I gave my classmates, students, and colleagues. He said the most heartbreaking words to me that I've ever heard come out of his mouth: "Everybody else gets the best part of you."

This feels like possibly the most personal thing I've ever shared on this blog, but I think it's really important. I spend my day expending energy, patience, enthusiasm, and careful guidance to my students. My challenge to myself all year has been to maintain enough of myself to give the same energy, patience, enthusiasm, and guidance to Lydia when I get home. I'm not sure if I have succeeded--certainly not every day. It's really hard. I am a working mom. I will most likely always be a working mom, but this oh-so-necessary duty of giving the best part of me to my family--it takes some time to learn.

I work in a profession in which parents are often the recipient of pointed fingers. Children can't read because their parents didn't read to them. Kids miss school because their parents aren't keeping track of them. Parents don't this, parents don't that. I'm the parent now. I'm on both sides of this fence, and as the post I mentioned said, the stakes are high to fulfill my duties. As the post said, I will not be a stumbling block to my child's potential.

I think Robin and I model a lot of things well for Lydia. We take good care of our bodies, we maintain good relationships with each other and with our friends, Lydia is read to every day, all of the basics, but I am raising the bar for myself.

As a teacher, and now as a mentor for a student teacher, I talk constantly about the necessity of being hands on, of constantly giving kids feedback and interaction, of patience and understanding. I have been wondering today if I hold myself as accountable for this at home as I do at work. If anything, it has been a good reminder that Lydia and Robin deserve the very best part of me.

T-Day

On Wednesday, my students will take the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills, or the TAKS. As Robin said in his earlier post, this is without a doubt the biggest source of stress for our high school as a whole.

I have been thinking about this post for a long time. Thinking about writing about how the TAKS completely ignores growth. How a student can jump over 200 pts. from one year to the next and still be considered a failure, both individually and for the school. How I wonder what it would feel like to be at a school in which the average student entering as a freshman could probably pass the exit-level test without much teaching at all. Would I feel like a good teacher?

I feel pulled between two ideas: the side that says that all students deserve to learn, to acquire basic knowledge and skill in high school, that it's not ridiculous to require schools to be measured based on student performance and the side that tells me that the human experience and thus the educational experience cannot be standardized. The system we operate under fails to acknowledge different starting points both high and low, let alone the circumstances and cards students are dealt. It ignores the student who could enter the ninth grade with the ability to pass their exit-level TAKS taken during the junior year and not learn a thing in the walls of their high school--and still be considered successful. It ignores the student who catapults themselves upwards over 200 points on a 1000 point scale over the course of one year--and still is considered a failure. Which student exhibits your definition of success and which teacher should be recognized for outstanding educating?

I feel a strange combination of frustration and pride watching my students test. Pride in how hard they work, in their ability to overcome adversity, in the effort that 99% of them will put forth on Wednesday morning, Wednesday afternoon, and some on Wednesday evening because yes, for a student who works full-time and goes to school full-time, it can take upwards of 7 hours to finish a test when you are are struggling to focus and read and do your best. For the student who is taking a test in a language that was completely unknown to them four or five years ago yet is still expected to test at appropriate age- and grade-level, it can take upwards of 10 hours to look up the words they need in the dictionary, to translate in their head, to do all of the things that they are doing to get their education and their diploma. Yes, these are the kids that will eventually be accused by someone at some point in their lives of not wanting to learn English if someone hasn't accused them of this already. On Wednesday when I watch them test, I will be a proud teacher.

I feel frustration that some of them, despite working and working and working and growing and growing and growing, will not pass this year and will feel like a failure, largely because the test tells them that they are. That a silent room full of kids with standardized test booklets and #2 pencils has come to mean so much in our education system. That it means the difference between doors staying open or closing permanently. It is terrifying.

I don't understand how a state that ranks 35th in the nation for high school graduation rate--in which nearly 30-40% of high school students drop out depending on the source--became the model for national education reform. I worry it won't change soon enough.

That, my friends, is T-Day.

Sitting Back to Watch

As a teacher, there aren't always a whole lot of opportunities to sit back and watch what my students and I have accomplished, but today was just that: a chance to see how far my kids have come.

This year will be the third year that I have taught Creative Writing at Lanier. When I student taught at Reagan, I watched my mentor teacher teach a Creative Writing class and upon learning that Lanier didn't have one, I started one. I have 21 students that I see every other day for 90 minutes, and we go through writing workshops on poetry, narratives, short stories, you name it. 

Today the kids turned in their writing portfolios: fifteen pieces of writing plus a prologue from each student. The portfolios included both pieces of writing from class and pieces they wrote independently. As a culminating activity, they each chose one piece to share with the class. While a student read, their classmates wrote one constructive comment for the reader, so each writer left with 20 pieces of feedback.

Some of you might remember high school well enough to recall the feeling that you alone have embarrassing insecurities, thoughts, and experiences and how intensely self-conscious adolescents can be. If you do, you will know just how big of a deal it was to watch each one of my students go to the front of the class, put their piece of writing on a projector, and read to their classmates. Not only did some of the kids share some really nice writing, many of them shared really personal thoughts and experiences, which told me that they felt confident enough in themselves and safe enough in my classroom to open up to their peers. It was an incredibly rewarding day.

Where I'm At

This may have been intended for a First Year Teacher, but I think it applies to all of us. Please note the October phase, and know that this is EXACTLY where I, along with many of my colleagues, am at. And yes, I am blogging from work. Sue me. I'm trying to avoid grading.

Not Enough

I'm a big fan of cake--the food, not the 90s band. (The band reminds me of a high school boyfriend who was very condescending and ultimately not very nice.) The saying that one "can't have their cake and eat it, too" completely confuses me. I always eat my cake. and I don't see this as unreasonable.

When it comes to working outside the home, I want my cake and I want to eat it, too--obviously. Before I went back to work, I didn't understand why baby care books needed to point out that it is not a good idea to keep your baby up later so that you can get time with them after getting home from work. I assumed this was a given and couldn't figure out why anyone would consider doing such a thing.

Then I went back to work. On a good day, I get about 3.5 waking hours with Lydia before and after school. It's just not enough. I know myself well enough to know that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mother. Too much of my self-identity is caught up in my role as a teacher. I am proud of what I do at school, and I think I'm pretty good at it. But 3.5 hours is not enough.

I have become about as time-effective and organized at school as I have ever been. Those that have seen my desk in the past would be amazed at what it looks like now. I will take a picture just to document the fact that my classroom is actually picked up. My grades are caught up, and my copies are made for the week. When the bell rings at 4:20, I am out 20 minutes later, something I used to scoff at. I used to be the teacher that judged other teachers who left before 5. Now, I resent anything that keeps me after work at all. Tomorrow night is Parents' Night at school, and I have a meeting on Thursday evening to prepare for having an Intern in my classroom. That means out of the 7 hrs. I get between Wednesday and Thursday with Lydia, 4 are taken away.

I am so jealous of the time Robin gets with Lydia on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I know he is jealous of my busy work days. At the same time, when I was home full time, I would get frustrated and lonely. Now, I miss Lydia. I have to keep myself from sneaking into her room at night after she is sleeping and picking her up and cuddling her, because that would mess up her sleep. I need to print out photos of her and put them all over the house and my desk. Something.

Back to School--and Daycare: Day One

The students arrived yesterday which meant Lydia's first day at daycare. Robin and I both went to drop her off. I had met her teachers, Ms. Vicki and Ms. Denise, at Orientation on Friday and had warned them that I might be a wreck come Monday morning.

We brought Lydia in and gave her teachers three bottles and some peas, and I turned into a crying mess when I went to put Lydia on the mat to play next to one of the other babies. (Robin was steady as a rock, of course.) Lydia immediately became very interested in the box of rattles in front of her, and we said goodbye and left quickly before I turned into a heap on the floor.

All in all, Lydia did really well. Her teacher said she cried in the morning when she heard another baby cry, but other than that, she was a happy girl. She didn't nap very well there, which isn't a surprise, as she usually naps in her quiet nursery. I'm sure getting used to the sounds of other babies will take a little bit of time. This was a little frustrating because it messed with her sleep Monday night, but I am hopeful that she will work things out with a bit of practice. Lydia spent today with Robin, and they did wonderfully together. I am already counting the days until the weekend so that I can spend an entire day with her.

On the work front, school has gotten off to a really good start. My mindset this year is completely different. I am working to stay as organized and efficient as possible, since by the time the bell rings at 4:20 (yes, 4:20--our kids don't start until 9 in the morning), I am ready to get home to see Robin and Lydia. Between getting to school a little later than last year and leaving 30-45 minutes earlier, I am having to work really hard to get everything I need to done during my prep time on top of taking time out to pump. Most of my students seem to be alright, and I think we have gotten off to a good start.

I think we're all going to survive.

Making it a Priority

Since last Thursday, I have been doing teacher inservice, professional development, and planning for this upcoming year. Lanier is undergoing some major changes this year as we move into four "houses" (smaller teams of teachers that plan together and teach the same students). Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have been filled with back-to-back meetings, lectures, professional development sessions, and even a "webinar." (A seminar on the internet. Super exciting.) My mom is here taking care of Lydia during the day so that Robin can continue working until Lydia starts daycare on Monday.

These work days have been really difficult for several reasons. House planning involved discussing, negotiating, what have you with nearly 20 teachers. Some are talkers, some want discussions to last 2 minutes. My role as house leader hasn't been very clear, so it was hard for me to figure out how to facilitate things. The professional development was not received well, so even though there were elements of it that I agreed with, it was all-in-all a negative experience. On Tuesday, I along with four other teachers spent 2 hours in the car in stop-and-go traffic to attend a convocation. And today I had to watch a power point while listening to presenters talk via the internet. All of this has involved sitting in student desks or on bleachers with the exception of one hour spent in an office chair. I physically hurt, and my mind is fried. This is all compounded by the fact that I had to move classrooms this year and have been given exactly 1 hour in my classroom to unpack, set up, and get organized and that only happened because a session finished early. In past years, I've gone in during the days leading up to our work days and meetings, but this year I took Lydia so that Robin could work.

While I am happy to report that pumping is going well, and I have only had to use about 10 ozs. of my freezer stash to get Lydia going on the first day I was gone, it has been very difficult to work out pumping amidst the three-hour long meetings. We are generally only given 5-10 minute breaks which hardly gives me time to set up and pump, and forget about frivolous things like using the restroom and getting a drink of water. This problem is made worse by the fact that we set punctuality as a team norm in my house, so when I show up late for a session or step out for 10-15 minutes, I feel uncomfortable, especially as house leader that went off on my team about holding each other accountable. It all becomes more tricky when things run late or, at the end of a meeting, people want to talk for "a few minutes," which inevitably turns into 20 or 30, and I need to pump and get home to spend a few hours with Lydia before she goes to bed. I'm just really tired.

Let me say that the community of teachers at Lanier, especially in my English department, have been incredibly supportive and interested in Lydia. Co-workers constantly ask how she is doing and patiently look as I show picture after picture. I'm sure they have no idea how good this interest makes me feel and how much easier it has made it for me to come back to work. (Lanier teachers and staff who may be reading: Thank you!) All of this interest and support still hasn't been able to calm my fears about combining teaching and motherhood. Last night, I had a dream that I had become a "bad teacher" because I had to leave school at 4:30. Co-workers were talking about me, and my classroom was a disaster. (I'm sure the dreams that I have had prior to every other school year where I get so angry I start crying and my students all laugh at me will hit later this week.) On Monday, when a teacher said, "I'm so glad to hear you're still nursing. Make that a priority," I almost started crying, because I'm really not sure how I will prioritize time between working at a very demanding school and being a good, attentive, present mother.

Let's just say it's been a hard week.

Props to Grandparents--and Milking Mechanics

We have been really fortunate to have had Robin's parents visit last weekend and my mom here for the next week. It is so much fun for Robin and me to watch them with Lydia, and it is a welcome relief from constant baby care.

Today and tomorrow, I am at school working with the members of my house at school, the community within a community that we are implementing this year as part of the restructuring we must do for No Child Left Behind. (Yes, we are a low-performing school and are required to do this. I could go on and on, but I won't right now.) On top of the general anxiety and melancholy that accompanies going back to work and starting daycare with Lydia the week after next, I am "house leader," and I wasn't sure exactly what that would entail or how our first house meeting of the year would go.

Today went better than I expected for several reasons. 1.) We made some good headway in our house with meeting norms, expectations, and classroom procedures while avoiding unproductive conflict. 2.) Lydia and my mom had a great day together, which I will talk about in a bit, 3.) I was able to pump enough milk so that we won't have to dip into my frozen store for tomorrow, and 4.) Mom took me shopping, which is fun, even when you're way closer to thirty than fifteen.

For those that have never nursed a baby while working (or nursed a baby at all), preparing enough milk for the day can be a huge source of stress. I had been perhaps unfairly harsh on my mom for the last time she took care of Lydia when the baby blew through twice as much milk as I was able to pump. Since then, I have been dreading going back to work and trying to keep nursing. For many women, the pump isn't as effective as a baby, so the milk that can be expressed (that word makes my skin crawl) and stored in bottles doesn't match what the baby actually takes in. For lots of moms, this isn't the case, but for me, it seems to be it. I would sit and try to focus on what I was doing and think of Lydia and even look at pictures of her to try to get my milk to let down, but sometimes I would only get two or three ounces, sometimes even less.

Like the fabulous parenting partner he is, Robin did some research and rigged me up with the perfect solution. When I pump, I use my phone and watch the video below. I pumped everything I needed to for Lydia tomorrow, AND my mom rose to the occasion and followed the feeding (and napping) schedule we left her to a tee. Lydia's sleeping is a little thrown off with the change, but all in all, she ate exactly as we'd hoped today (and I was able to replace what she ate), and she went to bed at her usual time. Mom did a great job, Robin's video was the perfect solution, and I think I did a pretty good job, too.

Interrupted

It has just hit me that I will be going back to work in one week. I am so glad that Lydia will be with Robin two days a week; it makes it a lot easier. Still, it is hard to think of all that I will miss. Today Lydia rolled from her back to her tummy for the first time. She started crying during her nap, and when I went to check on her, there she was on her tummy. She got so excited when I walked in and saw her! If this had happened one week later, I wouldn't have been there to see it happen for the first time. The odds that I will miss her crawling, her first steps... it is really hard to think about. I am terrified that the people at her daycare won't be as patient or gentle with her as Robin and I try to be, or that she won't be as happy. On most days, I love my job, and I know that ultimately the balance of maintaining the life I built before Lydia joined us will make me a better parent. For now, though, I am not happy about the idea of leaving her and interrupting the lovely routine I have worked so hard to create.

The other thing I am stressed about is how I will continue breastfeeding. I originally said that I wanted to go for six months, and that I would reevaluate then. Lydia turns five months next week, and so far, breastfeeding has gone really well. Some of this anxiety stems from the two weeks I went back to school in May, when Lydia blew through 75 ozs. of stored milk in one week on top of everything I was pumping during the day. (I'm sure this had NOTHING to do with one maternal Grandmother who hated the sound of Lydia crying so much that she would feed her with every whimper... looks like the Grandmother spoiling is already in full swing.) I have nearly 200 ozs. stored in the freezer right now, but I have been able to do this by pumping before I go to bed and getting up in the middle of the night. Lydia is a champion sleeper, but I am still waking up at 2 AM every night to pump. As many of you know, I am a girl who needs her sleep, and this whole nighttime interruption thing is really taking it's toll on my energy level. (My non-presence in photos has a lot to do with the fact that I look kind of ghostly, and it's not too pretty.) While I am tempted to try discontinuing this middle-of-the-night pumping session, I am nervous because I want to make sure Lydia has enough breastmilk at daycare, and I don't want my supply to go down. I am going to do some research and consult my breastfeeding gurus and see.

Back to the Grindstone

I have learned this week that I am meant to be a working mom. Everyday, I left the house feeling excited about two things. I was excited to see Lydia when I got home, but I was also excited to get to work, see my co-workers, and yes, see (most of) my students.

My measure of how the year went academically had to be my TAKS scores, since I went on maternity the week after the test. Throwing all humility aside, I have to say that my kids rocked the test. In my at-level classes, which had their fair share of "difficult" kids, I had nearly 90% of my kids pass. My pre-AP numbers were lower than they had been, but this was not a surprise to me, and considering the circumstances, there will some miraculous passing students in the class. Like any dedicated teacher, it is hard to completely celebrate these numbers without thinking of the handful of kids who worked really hard and didn't pass--it is always hard to see them after receiving that news--but I am pretty proud of them and proud of myself.

As I worked with my kids last week, I realized that there is a separate measure of the year that I got to see upon my return. 1.) The kids seemed generally happy to see me and all asked about Lydia. They were very concerned about where she was and who was taking care of her. 2.) Most of them did not buck back when I promptly asked them to get to work, even though it was the last week of classes. (This week is finals week.) and 3.) My students really seem to be friends with each other. They are dating each other. (I am not a fan of this. Having couples in classes is annoying.) They know each other's names, have each other's phone numbers, and joke with each other.

I really love my job, and for me, going back to work is the right thing to do. I am also proud that Lydia will grow up with a mom who has a challenging job and does it well. I am happier when I am working, and I think a happy parent is ultimately a better parent. So back to the grindstone, I will go.

Check and check...

Daycare option number one: Toured and approved!

Today I stopped into the daycare at Gethsemane Lutheran Children's Ministry, where one of my administrators takes her daughter. I was very comfortable with the facilities and liked the teacher-to-student ration (2:8 or 10). I especially liked that when we walked in, both teachers were holding babies and sitting on the floor with the other (awake) babies around them. It's also about five minutes from school. It is $25 to get on the waitlist, and they have openings in August, so I am relieved to have one good option.

We also had childbirth class #2 this evening. It focused on relaxation techniques and drug-free pain coping techniques, which I really appreciated. Next week we learn about medical pain intervention.

This week is a big one--Robin is getting the second unit ready for an open house on Saturday, and amidst the stress of prepping my kids for TAKS (the big state accountability test) in two weeks as well as TELPAS rating (a very time-consuming responsibility that pops up every year at the very worst time), my classroom will be opened to participants in the NABE (National Association of Bilingual Education) Conference that is being held in Austin on Thursday. While I was originally told that this observation would be during a very reliable class and 10 minutes long--a breeze--it has now been switched to my worst behaved class and will be 25 minutes long. (This may not seem like a lot, but when there are 5-10 strangers sitting and watching you and your already volatile students, 25 minutes has the potential to be an eternity. I think I am going to bribe the kiddies with cupcakes.) All of this paired with my growing desire to just stay at home and get ready for the baby is not putting me in a very good mood. On the upside, the people I work with are throwing me a baby shower on Friday, so that should be a fun end to the week!