Holden - Two Weeks

Happy Two Week Birthday, little guy!

Holden Meets His Minnesota Great-Grandparents

Last Thursday, Robin, Holden, and I took a trip to Forest Lake to meet Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa Laqua. They were so excited to hold their new great-grandson (great-grandchild number six for them). I couldn't help but think of my Grandma Gloria and how much she would have enjoyed Holden; my Grandma Lovella immediately commented on the same thing. I do, though, feel fortunate that Lydia was able to meet five of her great-grandparents, and Holden will meet four; I never met any of mine.

These photos are priceless, yes?

We spent about three hours at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Robin swears he didn't take a nap.

Smothered with Love

Lydia is an extremely enthusiastic big sister. Our biggest challenge at home is teaching her appropriate boundaries with her little brother. She constantly wants to hug and kiss him and love on him. She does this at all times: when he is sleeping, when he is eating, when he is crying. This makes for some very sweet, sweet moments, but it also has made for some frustration and some laughs. 

Last Thursday, I was trying to take one week pictures of Holden. Lydia saw me with him on the sofa and quickly jumped in. The photo session didn't yield much in terms of pictures of Holden alone, but I kind of love the surprise product.

An Updated Update

At our Monday Lactation Consultant appointment, we received some frustrating information. The coping method to address pain during nursing caused my supply to drop substantially on my right side, and as a result, Holden hadn't gained much weight. We received (even more) coaching on nursing, and were sent home with a plan: nurse every 2-3 hours during the day and 3-4 hours at night, switch sides twice during a feeding (Left-Right-Left or Right-Left-Right), and after nursing, pump for ten minutes on the right side and give Holden the pumped milk--.5 ozs. We went home, and I diligently followed the instructions, which proved to be insanely time consuming--each feeding took at least an hour, and Robin has been washing and sterilizing pump parts several times a day. By this morning, I was ready to a.) scream and completely throw in the towel on nursing or b.) inform the Lactation Consultant at our follow-up (earlier today) that I was going to stop following her instructions and just let Holden nurse.

Fortunately for all of us, nothing at today's appointment warranted me to scream, curse, or tell off the very sweet Lactation Consultant. Holden had gained nearly three ounces since Monday (they want babies to gain close to an ounce a day), and he received 2.5 ozs. in one sitting--enough for his weight and body needs. I was sent home with instructions to continue nursing him on our schedule, alternating starting sides, and pumping on the right side after every other feeding. I also have a prescription for a steroid cream to help heal more quickly. This feels much more manageable.

It's hard not to feel completely impatient and want this all to be done and breastfeeding to be well-established. Hopefully soon. At least we seem to be on the right track now.

An Update

I blog for lots of reasons. The primary would be that it has proven to be the most effective way that I can document our days, and if you go back to March 2009 and the following months, you'll find a detailed account of Lydia's first year. During the past few months, I've worked to get in the habit of blogging again so that Holden, too, can have a record of his earliest months of life. Keeping people updated on our life is important to us, especially since we're fortunate to have loved ones all over the country, and during the final weeks of pregnancy and the first weeks of infant-hood, I don't have the time or energy to take nearly as many phone calls as I'd like, so I find some comfort in knowing that people can get updates online. Our friends' blogs make us feel like we're still living a few miles away and getting to know their children well, so I like the idea of making that possible for others.

Then there times when I write posts like my last; when I just need to write for pure catharsis and when I really need people to know my truth and where I'm at. This always feels like a huge risk, as our culture in general doesn't seem to take well to honesty, especially honesty coming from women and mothers about frustration. I always know that some people who read will consider my writing as whining, but I've gotten over it. I know how good its felt for me to read honest accounts of motherhood, and I like the idea of offering that to friends who read who are in similar situations, and I like the idea of an honest account for me, Lydia, and Holden to look back on.

Finally, when I've allowed myself to be my most vulnerable on this blog--when I've taken the risk of being heard as a whiner--is when I've experienced the most resulting uplift. The messages and texts I have received since Thursday reminds us that we are, indeed part of a village, and encouragement is always at the ready. Three days later, here's an update:

• Holden continues to be a not-so-awesome night sleeper, but he's only nine days old. As our friend Elizabeth reminded me, the first two weeks are not really indicative of anything. Last night was especially hard, but we're working through it and figuring things out.
• I made another call to a different lactation consultant yesterday, and we have a second appointment on Monday to get a second opinion and hopefully a few more tips. At the encouragement of so many great friends and fellow moms, I realized that there is no such thing as too much support in this department. I have pumped instead of nursed on my right side for most of the feedings in the past twenty-four hours, and when I nursed this morning, I could tell a huge difference, and feedings today have not gotten progressively more painful as they were seeming to yesterday. I am alternating between using Lansinoh Soothies (hydrogel dressings) and Motherlove cream after feedings thanks to an awesome delivery by Brook (our doula), and as of right now, things feel much better. Yesterday I was very frustrated; it felt like things were getting worse again, and my right side was not emptying well, but that has seemed to resolve itself, also. Things are not great, but I am no longer panicking that this rocky start will mean that nursing won't work, thanks to the women who messaged me and let me know about their struggles that were followed by months of successful nursing. I've stopped panicking that Holden isn't gaining weight or getting enough milk, because there is nothing to indicate that this is the case. Certainly, the intense, intense pain that I was experiencing on Tuesday and Wednesday morning seems to have passed.
• Nursing struggles with second children are not uncommon. Nursing has been so much harder this second time around, but its a good reminder that Holden and I have a learning curve and are getting to know each other in a brand new way; because this is our second time with a newborn, some things have come more easily and with less stress and anxiety, but one thing I'll take from these early nursing struggles is that Holden is his own person, and we need to get to know him in his own individuality.
• Regarding Lydia, our friend Kelsey offered a really great reminder: we have given Lydia the lifelong gift of a sibling. Part and parcel with this is the newborn process and decreased attention. Robin also reminded me that we consciously chose for Lydia not to be an only child, for her to learn how to share her world with a sibling along with experiencing the companionship of a little brother. 

Bottom line: Thank you for the love and support. We are blessed to have so many amazing, encouraging, wise people around us.

**There are some more photo-heavy posts coming, but I left my camera in Forest Lake. It is supposed to make its way back to us today.

The Tipping Point

I recall when Lydia was born a day when I crashed--when the lack of sleep, the major life changes, the toll that giving birth takes on the body--all hit me at once. Every baby book and postpartum article mentions the "baby blues"; this is a normal occurrence, part of the process of adjusting to an event that, in my opinion, changes ones life as quickly as possible as much as possible.

Yesterday was my crash. Holden has been struggling with sleep through the night; he's only a week old, after all. I woke up from a poor night of sleep in intense pain; Holden and I have been struggling with breastfeeding, not in the sense that he's not getting enough milk, but in the sense that he's latching in a way that has done quite the number on my body. Realizing that I needed to see a lactation consultant, I made phone call after phone call, only to be told that the soonest I could be seen was the next day. At this point, I had been sitting trying to will myself to nurse him on the right side for almost half an hour, dreading the excruciating pain that would ensue. I started crying on the phone, and the receptionist took pity on me. She got me an appointment with a lactation consultant a little over an hour later. We quickly got Lydia ready for school and headed to the clinic. The lactation consultant was very helpful, gave me some coaching that allowed me to nurse Holden without blinding pain, and gave me some options to help speed healing.

We got in the car and drove for lunch. We'd been planning this for a couple of days, as we had a gift certificate burning a whole in our pocket and felt ready to take Holden out for a meal. We sat down at Burger Jones, and my phone rang. I took the call, and a long conversation with Human Resources followed; I learned just how much money I will lose by taking ten weeks of maternity leave, and the weight that had left when we met with the lactation consultant was back on my shoulders. Taking ten weeks feels like a minimum to me; any longer would necessitate putting my newborn in daycare, and that isn't something I am comfortable with. I learned with Lydia just how quickly the first ten weeks go. I sat at the table crying for the second time of the day.

With that, everything that has been on my mind, all of the changes that have happened since February fourteenth at 6:10 AM came out. We finished our meal, and we got in the car. I realized I just needed to cry. I needed to cry for my breastfeeding frustration, for the financial pressure that will result in making what we think is the best parenting decision for our family, for Lydia who is so, so excited about a brother but is getting so much less attention than she did before, especially from me, and for Holden, for whom I feel such tremendous, tremendous love and affection. When Lydia was born, it took a little time to adjust to the concept of being a mother. I immediately and instinctively cared for her and wanted to protect her, but the warm, hopeful love that we feel for our children took time to develop. This time, I get it, and that feeling came immediately, and it is overwhelming. There have been so many wonderful, wonderful changes, but they come with a lot of transition for everyone involved, and I needed the emotional release.

Robin and I spent the rest of the day holed up at home, snoozing, and watching reruns on Hulu. I did a lot of crying, and it was exactly what I needed. Today I've found some equilibrium. For me and I'm guessing many others, letting myself go over the tipping point was just what it took to find myself feeling a little lighter and more balanced.

Due Date Stats and Weight Gain

Today is Holden's due date! I really assumed I would still be pregnant at this point, but here we are with a five-day old!

My milk is definitely in. Quite in. We're figuring the nursing thing out, though I'm experiencing some pain, especially on my right side. If it doesn't improve in the next day, I'm pretty sure I'll head to a lactation consultant, just to avoid further trouble. Lydia lost well over the healthy range and we almost had to supplement with formula, so I've been much more aware this time, and to make sure that we were headed in the right direction, we took him to the free weigh-in at Blooma today.

So far, Holden's weight stats:

At birth: 9 lbs. 8 ozs.
At hospital discharge: 9 lbs. 0.5 ozs.
At newborn assessment (4 days old): 8 lbs. 14.5 ozs (Still well within the healthy weight-loss range.)
At Blooma weigh-in on due date (5 days old): 9 lbs., 1.5 oz. (We're headed upward!)