It has just hit me that I will be going back to work in one week. I am so glad that Lydia will be with Robin two days a week; it makes it a lot easier. Still, it is hard to think of all that I will miss. Today Lydia rolled from her back to her tummy for the first time. She started crying during her nap, and when I went to check on her, there she was on her tummy. She got so excited when I walked in and saw her! If this had happened one week later, I wouldn't have been there to see it happen for the first time. The odds that I will miss her crawling, her first steps... it is really hard to think about. I am terrified that the people at her daycare won't be as patient or gentle with her as Robin and I try to be, or that she won't be as happy. On most days, I love my job, and I know that ultimately the balance of maintaining the life I built before Lydia joined us will make me a better parent. For now, though, I am not happy about the idea of leaving her and interrupting the lovely routine I have worked so hard to create.
The other thing I am stressed about is how I will continue breastfeeding. I originally said that I wanted to go for six months, and that I would reevaluate then. Lydia turns five months next week, and so far, breastfeeding has gone really well. Some of this anxiety stems from the two weeks I went back to school in May, when Lydia blew through 75 ozs. of stored milk in one week on top of everything I was pumping during the day. (I'm sure this had NOTHING to do with one maternal Grandmother who hated the sound of Lydia crying so much that she would feed her with every whimper... looks like the Grandmother spoiling is already in full swing.) I have nearly 200 ozs. stored in the freezer right now, but I have been able to do this by pumping before I go to bed and getting up in the middle of the night. Lydia is a champion sleeper, but I am still waking up at 2 AM every night to pump. As many of you know, I am a girl who needs her sleep, and this whole nighttime interruption thing is really taking it's toll on my energy level. (My non-presence in photos has a lot to do with the fact that I look kind of ghostly, and it's not too pretty.) While I am tempted to try discontinuing this middle-of-the-night pumping session, I am nervous because I want to make sure Lydia has enough breastmilk at daycare, and I don't want my supply to go down. I am going to do some research and consult my breastfeeding gurus and see.
The semester I’ll grieve
3 years ago
For me, the ANTICIPATION of going back to work was far worse than the actual separation. I know it's different for every mom, but I was far more depressed as I watched my maternity leave tick away in the end than I am while actually at work.
ReplyDeleteThe grandma theory is interesting-- For the month of August, my mom is watching Drew three days a week and Andy is watching him two days a week. He goes through twice as much milk with my mom than he does with Andy!
Perhaps now that Lydia is eating solids she won't require as much milk during the day. (?!?)
I've kind of decided that if my pumping doesn't continue to keep up with demand, that I'm not personally opposed to supplementing. He's getting the breastfeeding experience and as much breastmilk as I can give him. If he needs more, we'll explore other options! (Part of the problem is that he'll require hypoallergenic formula which is SPENDY.)
Wow, longest comment EVER. Sorry.
Similarly, I left Josephine with my mom for two days, and she went through twice as much milk as I was able to pump. This instantly made me worry she hadn't been getting enough from just nursing. It seems that having enough milk is always a source of anxiety; currently she isn't nursing well because her mouth starts hurting her with all the sucking-- of course, from a bottle, it's much easier so she drinks way more. But there's obviously no way I could pump and give her a bottle, because I could only pump half what she'd drink! So she has to nurse, and she gets what she gets.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, let's just say that my concern over keeping up a good supply in the midst of her poor nursing has caused me to FLIRT with the idea of waking up in the middle of the night to pump, ohhhhhh, for like 30 seconds every other day. And then I sort of laugh at myself, like "Who are you kidding? You could never do that!" So, I'm TOTALLY IN AWE of the sacrifice you've been making to do that night after night! Really-- I would, if I were strong enough-- I've always thought it was a noble idea-- but I simply can't do it! I must sleep. (I justify it by telling myself that rest is also good for my supply! --even if not AS good as pumping.) But Laurie, I vote that you SLEEP, especially once you start back to work! Stress alone can deplete your supply-- and surely that will all add up to some significant stress!
Speaking of stress and energy, here's an unrequested tidbit: I notice a significant difference if I add a balanced B-Complex vitamin to my diet. (Warning: it might turn your pee an interesting color). And the occasional OTC iron supplement seems to help, too. Every now and then I feel like I'm still battling fatigue from residual anemia. If your iron levels are even a little on the low side it might make a big difference.
Anyway, you are doing a wonderful job on all fronts. Keep listening to your instincts and you will continue to make wise choices. I'm always very impressed by you and Miss Lydia.
Competing for longest comment ever. Sorry.
I won! I smoked that Kelsey lady! (Even if her comment was more interesting!)
ReplyDeleteIt's ON, Jenny! ;)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say something in regards to this post but I don't think I can compete with Jenny or Kelsey in length and, due to lack of sleep, my brain won't form any complete thoughts except to say that I am in awe of your freezer stash and I'm sure Miss Lydia won't blow through it quite so quickly at day care. I bet you might even find that you're keeping up better than you thought you would.
ReplyDelete