Not Enough

I'm a big fan of cake--the food, not the 90s band. (The band reminds me of a high school boyfriend who was very condescending and ultimately not very nice.) The saying that one "can't have their cake and eat it, too" completely confuses me. I always eat my cake. and I don't see this as unreasonable.

When it comes to working outside the home, I want my cake and I want to eat it, too--obviously. Before I went back to work, I didn't understand why baby care books needed to point out that it is not a good idea to keep your baby up later so that you can get time with them after getting home from work. I assumed this was a given and couldn't figure out why anyone would consider doing such a thing.

Then I went back to work. On a good day, I get about 3.5 waking hours with Lydia before and after school. It's just not enough. I know myself well enough to know that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mother. Too much of my self-identity is caught up in my role as a teacher. I am proud of what I do at school, and I think I'm pretty good at it. But 3.5 hours is not enough.

I have become about as time-effective and organized at school as I have ever been. Those that have seen my desk in the past would be amazed at what it looks like now. I will take a picture just to document the fact that my classroom is actually picked up. My grades are caught up, and my copies are made for the week. When the bell rings at 4:20, I am out 20 minutes later, something I used to scoff at. I used to be the teacher that judged other teachers who left before 5. Now, I resent anything that keeps me after work at all. Tomorrow night is Parents' Night at school, and I have a meeting on Thursday evening to prepare for having an Intern in my classroom. That means out of the 7 hrs. I get between Wednesday and Thursday with Lydia, 4 are taken away.

I am so jealous of the time Robin gets with Lydia on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I know he is jealous of my busy work days. At the same time, when I was home full time, I would get frustrated and lonely. Now, I miss Lydia. I have to keep myself from sneaking into her room at night after she is sleeping and picking her up and cuddling her, because that would mess up her sleep. I need to print out photos of her and put them all over the house and my desk. Something.